I Lost My North-Star

Here we are once again...

With yet another year in the rear-view mirror, I come to you all with some of the worst news I might ever deliver in my life.

On October 22, 2026, my older brother Justin Barlow tragically (and unexpectedly at age 43) passed away. In the early AM of that morning, he suffered a stroke/intracranial hemorrhage. My younger sister and brothers found him down and unresponsive. After a significant (and unknown amount of time down alone) with no immediate medical aid, the damage to his brain (because of the lack of oxygen and the blood pouring into his left hemisphere) wasn't just severe. It was (in a word) catastrophic.

After getting him to the local emergency room (and after a lengthy discussion with the neurosurgeon), they officially declared Justin brain-dead. Even if Justin were to survive an extensive (and somewhat risky) surgery, the doctor assured my family and I that he would never live a "normal life" ever again, and would likely be a catatonic/comatose patient for the rest of his days. Justin wouldn't be able to see, hear, talk, or move most (if any) of his body. At best, he would be completely unaware of his own existence, and at worst, he would be a prisoner in what little remained of his mind.

The person we knew as Justin was gone, now and forever.

In years prior there were several discussions I had with Justin (in the wake of losing our parents) about what should (or shouldn't) happen to him if we ever had a scenario like this occur, and Justin made it VERY clear to my siblings and I that he would NEVER want to exist like that, so with respect to our older brother's final wishes we unanimously made the only choice we reasonably could: we let Justin pass on.

It was with an extremely heavy-heart that we bid him farewell, but we all knew it had to be done.

He wasn't alone in his final moments. I stayed with him (along with my best friend Matt) the whole time (as I knew he would've done the same for me) holding his hand until the very end. I thanked Justin for all the love he ever gave to me as a brother. I told him how glad I was to have lived a life where I got to have him as not only my big brother, but as my best friend. I told him he had the love of everyone we ever knew, that we were all with him, that we would never forget him, and that we would stay together despite his absence.

I watched through tear-filled eyes as Justin took his final breaths, growing colder and colder until I felt his last heartbeat, and in that moment I knew one of the best people I ever had the honor of knowing in my life had departed this world.

Despite my writing of this post, I'm at a loss for words. There are so many conflicting thoughts and emotions I've had swimming in my mind since that fateful October morning. All of this has felt so completely surreal to me, like it hasn't even truly happened, almost like it happened to someone else, and that at any moment my brother will call me on my cell phone to tell me everything will be alright.

But it happened, and Justin is gone.

I hope you all understand when I convey that Justin wasn't simply my older brother. He was my ABSOLUTE BEST FRIEND, and my BROTHER-OF-BROTHERS. This was the dude who helped guide me when I had no sense or idea of "where to go" during some of my most difficult days. Throughout his life, I would constantly call him my "North-Star" because that's exactly what he was to me, that guiding light I would turn to whenever I needed to find my bearings. Simultaneously, my biggest fan and my biggest confidant, Justin was always there for me, ready to offer support, regardless of circumstance, whether it was during my greatest tragedies or my greatest triumphs.

I owe so much of who I am today to my older brother because it was Justin who informed so many of the interests I have. If not for him, I don't know if I ever would have gotten into things such as fantasy stories, genre-fiction, heavy metal music, anime, manga, comic books, video games, RPGs, board games, etc. The list goes on and on.

I am the person I am today because of Justin's influence. When I was a little boy, all I ever wanted to do was go where he went, and do what he did. I was happy being able to share anything I could with him. So long as Justin was there, that was more than enough for me. I know for a fact I would be a completely different person now had it not been for him always being that amazingly cool big brother who made it a point to be present in my life, and the life of everyone he cared for.

And how present was he?

I'll provide a single example: When I had my emergency appendectomy in 2014, it was Justin who stayed at my side as I convalesced. Between the bouts of shaking off the anesthesia, I would catch glimpses of him sitting next to me, reading a book. Before I'd slip off into my medically induced slumbers, I'd occasionally scratch out a question to him "Are you doing alright?" 

In true "big brother" fashion, Justin would look down at me, smile, and somewhat dryly reply: "I'm alright; just get some rest, bro."

It wasn't until I had completely recovered from the anesthesia that my roommate Matt informed me that Justin had sat by my side, and never slept a single wink for nearly two entire days, making sure that I was okay the whole time.

How many people can I think of in life who would've done that for me? Do you know of anyone who would've done that for you?

That wasn't some isolated moment either. That was the big brother Justin was every day, and that was the person he would strive to be as much as possible. The stoic, stalwart older brother who would stand watch unflinchingly, and would make sure anyone he loved was safe and sound by the end.

On countless nights at 2:00AM on a Sunday my brother and I would talk on the phone for hours, because he was the one person who I knew would be awake that late at night, and he was the one person I knew I could talk to about anything and everything. It didn't matter how tired he might have been. He always made the time for me whenever I called.

The late nights to come I know for a fact are going to be exceptionally challenging without him. This was the one person I've never had to know a day without (and frankly from the time I was a child to this very moment I couldn't even imagine, let alone fathom, a day without him here) but now I'm forced to endure a life without ever seeing him again.

There is so much uncertainty ahead of me now. Things that were once so clear to me appear hazy in the wake of Justin's passing. I don't have my bearings anymore, and not only has this deeply affected me, but this has extended to my family and friends as well. We will all have to find some kind of "new normal" when this chaos runs its course.

But despite facing these terrifying unknown days ahead, I take some respite in the notion that there are plenty of things that are known:

I know my brother was an aspiring writer, and I can tell you all that there were so many stories Justin wanted to tell, to share with the world over, but unfortunately he was always a bit too afraid, a bit too self-conscious that he wasn't "good enough" to make it as a fantasy/genre-fiction author, that his stories were "too silly," and that no one would ever care about what he brought to the creative spheres...

I know for a fact that Justin was most certainly MORE THAN "good enough" to make it as a writer. The man was cut from an exceptionally creative cloth, and everyone around Justin recognized that in him from childhood. Justin could conjure up a viable story outline based entirely on a couple errant sentences he'd heard from a single conversation. When we were kids, Justin would write entire narratives across composition notebooks that were meant for his school work, but he didn't care about that noise. He was a storyteller through and through, so wherever he could write the idea for a plot down, he took it. Justin was one of those guys who, for lack of a better term, just "got it" when it came to these sorts of things, no matter what the topic or challenge. For as nebulous and non-committal a phrase like that is, that's precisely who Justin was... The one guy who simply just... GOT IT, and was more than happy to share it wherever he could.

But I also know I lament Justin will never get to witness so many things. He won't get to see the day his writings become published, he won't get to read the ending to One Piece (like he had excitedly told me so many times before that he "couldn't wait to read") and he won't get to experience the joy of having all of his friends and family coming together to watch Avengers: Doomsday on opening weekend. He won't get to hear his two beautiful nieces lovingly call him "Uncle Justin," and he won't ever get to watch them fight over which uncle they think was the coolest out of the 4 they have. There was still so much for us to do and to share, and I know that's my biggest regret, that Justin still had so much more life ahead of him, and so many more experiences to share with not just me, but with all of his friends, his loved ones, the people he would constantly tell me "made his life worth living." We had games we were going to play, comics we were going to read, movies we were going to watch, and music we were going to listen to. We had so many hugs, handshakes, and fist-bumps still to go, and yet here we all are.

I know it is now incumbent upon myself (and everyone who ever knew Justin) to take everything he ever was and put it back out into the world. Maybe it was a joke he'd tell, a piece of advice or wisdom he would share, even something as simple as a warm hug he'd offer to anyone who needed it. We can never truly be sure of exactly what someone is going through in their lives, but I'd like to think perhaps some small part of Justin can help somebody out there who's desperately in need of that piece. It may give them the strength, the resolve to hold on a little longer, to fight a little harder, or to love a little more, and maybe it leads that person to something amazing... Even if that individual will never intimately know Justin like I did, I know in that moment that it'll be Justin's victory. It'll be Justin's legacy.

And while I may have lost an awesome family member, I also know the world has lost a truly beautiful soul, the type of kind, gentle, and passionate soul I think we could all use a lot more of in our lives. Someone who simply wanted to share their love, and to share their stories, so that one day that love, and those stories might hopefully inspire some lonely kid who only ever wanted to read something fun, something cool, and know deep down in his heart that he wasn't alone in this world.

I know I've meant every syllable of what I've written here with this post. I know that my life is FAR poorer now, not having Justin in it anymore.

Perhaps most important of all, I know that the love I have for my big brother will burn as long as the sun is in the sky. I know I miss my truest friend, and that I'm always going to miss my truest friend; no matter how many years go by for me on this Earth. I know that I'm thankful I got to live a life with Justin in it, and I know I feel incredibly lucky to have had him with me for as long as I did. Many people never get to share a life with an awesome older brother, but I had him for over forty years. That's nothing to scoff at. I'm glad that he got to see so many amazing things in his time that he wanted to see, and do at least a few of the things he wanted to do. I'm overjoyed that Justin got to meet so many incredible people, and that those incredible people would lovingly call him a friend & a brother.

I know deep down I'm a selfish and greedy man, because even though I fully comprehend that my time, my ride in this life with my big brother is officially over, I still want more. I don't want to let him go.

At the end of the day I'm just some geeky dude trying to find his way in this crazy world we all live in, but without my North-Star to guide me, I'm not entirely sure what my future holds, or how I'll get anywhere in my life without Justin's light to show me the way.

I guess at this point all I can really do is take a deep breath for luck, roll with my chances, and as Justin would always say: "Hope for the best."

Justin may be far from me now, but I'm going to carry on with the hope, the belief that one day our paths will cross again, somewhere on a distant shore, beyond the sea, in the endless starlight. We'll share that summer dream we once had as kids, where we held each other's hands while speaking of all we loved, and in that moment when we're finally reunited, I know in my heart of hearts that we'll laugh until we cry.

Til then...

I'll see you on Snake-way Justin! God-speed everyone!

From left to right: Matt Steen (my best friend & roommate) Nathan (N8Dogg5k) Justin Barlow (my forver awesome older brother)

The Sands in the Hourglass

Hello internet faithful! It sure has been a while hasn't it! SIX WHOLE YEARS IN FACT!

I want to start this post off by issuing a deep and sincere apology.

The long and protracted absence I've had here on this site was unfair to every single one of my readers, and even though this blog was never meant to be a HUGE thing for me, it still very much was a personal project that I unceremoniously left collecting dust for FAR  too long.

When I left this site, I also left you all, and you didn't deserve that. You are owed explanations as to where I've been and what has happened since July 27, 2019.

On 06/20/2019 I lost my mother. Her name was Darlene, and her passing was a major blow to my family and I. Some of you may have even been aware of this as I did discuss it on my X/Twitter and Deviant Art accounts. In the immediate after-math of her death I thought that I could continue with matters as they were, but much to my dismay it all affected me (vastly) more than I initially thought, so while I was in the throes of my depression I decided that what I truly needed was to take some time away from everyone and everything, if nothing else than to "properly" mourn the loss of my mom.

But if there is one thing I've learned in these past six years, it's that there is no one "correct way" to mourn.

We all know essentially what happened next, those initial weeks that I took to come to terms steadily turned into months, and then those months turned into a year. While I did have some "good days" during this time (spending what I could with close friends and family) my depression/sadness would hit me in waves. One instant I'd be (somewhat) fine, and then the next I'd be steeped in melancholia. It wouldn't take much to trigger the switch either. Maybe it would be a song she liked that would play on the radio, the smell of spring flowers, or just a gentle summer wind.

By the end of June/beginning of July 2020 we were about four months deep into the COVID-19 global pandemic, and it was here that I made a modest attempt to get things back on track with my art-streams by streaming with several of my artist friends for a few days. While this did provide a brief respite as I collected my thoughts and social support, I knew deep down that I couldn't find that "new normal" required to give my fans what they truly deserved-- A good show.

The constant barrage of confusion and chaos from my regular night job left me (exceedingly) fatigued, so much so that there were times it felt near impossible to pull myself out of bed. I almost can't articulate how difficult the pandemic years truly were for me. 

(For those who do not know, I work in emergency medicine, so during those tumultuous days of the pandemic, I had to endure a lot of mental stress)

While it was definitely a struggle more often than not (with my personal resolve constantly being tested) I was ultimately glad that I (not only) had gainful employment, but that I could potentially help make a significant/tangible difference during a time of great uncertainty for so many people in my community.

Undertaking this task did come with sacrifices.

My mental health took a turn for the worse at numerous intervals, and I lost a lot of time with friends and family in this period, particularly with my father Frank. Due to some of his health complications, I had to restrict direct contact with him. A choice I knew deep down hurt him in more ways than one, but I couldn't risk him getting sick.

If only I'd known that (regardless of my efforts to protect him) 2020 would be the last year he'd be alive, I might have made different choices...

On December 18, 2020 my dad (Frank) would suddenly die.

This was beyond devastating for my family and I. Just when it seemed like we had all begun healing as a family, we lost one our greatest pillars in it.

I started a Go Fund Me to help mitigate the costs incurred by my father's death, and for a while that was all that mattered to me-- Getting affairs into order. This was a process that took YEARS for us to get straight, but we ultimately did work things out with Frank's estate... As of the beginning of 2025.

Needless to say, my depression would hit me FULL-FORCE during these years, compounded by the stress I was already contending with from my night job.

This culminated in me losing yet another organ, this time it was my gallbladder in August of 2022.

Since then (in several ways) I'm still recovering from my cholecystectomy (both physically & fiscally) with many life-style changes that have had to come about as a result. While it hasn't been easy, at least I'm still alive to do something about it!

But I won't bore you with anymore history! Let's talk about today!

Today marks my 40th Birthday! A date and an age that I honestly (at near countless points) didn't think I'd ever live to see over these past six (long) years.

It's almost surreal to me knowing that I started the N8Dogg Blog all the way back in 2013. I was 28 years old  then, an age that simultaneously feels like an entire life-time ago, or just yesterday depending upon my mood on the subject.

The halcyon days of how simple things were then when compared to today...There were some tough times back then for a certainty, and in many past posts you can clearly see my laments and nostalgia on full display, but I still vividly remember the optimism I had the day I decided to start this blog!

Since those nascent years I've had to watch people I love leave this world. I've had to witness entire franchises & mediums I held dear be culturally vandalized and bore-out of any heart & soul til nothing was left but political propaganda. I've wrestled with an empty Post Window for this very blog so many times I can't even try to put a number to it. I have lost my hope and fallen into despair, only to find that spark of life again in ways that would confuse the mind and break the heart.  

As so many have stated here countless times on the internet: THE STRUGGLE IS REAL!

But hey! I'm still here! And I'm still N8Dogg5k!

If you ever came here to read one of my reviews, check out some of my art, or listen to my occasional Blood Code Radio recordings, this post right here is FOR YOU!

Thank you! From the very bottom of this old heart of mine... THANK YOU!

Know that I never wanted to stop making posts on this blog. Know that I never stopped working on my art, or my stories. Know that I always wanted to give you the best that I could give at that exact moment. I've taken these past six years to refine my work to an even greater point than it was before all this tragedy and loss. There is much yet to be shared, and hopefully with enough time, energy, and a little bit of luck, maybe we can get back to having some of those old good times here on this site once more!

We all know that life is just way too short, and time waits for no man, so if nothing else it's high-time for me to kick it into some kind of gear and try to make some moves before the sands in my hourglass run any lower!

GOD-SPEED EVERYONE!

A Sticker, A Button, and A Magnet- New Products

Bast Katt (sticker)

Creating merchandise/products outside of the occasional one-off convention print is very new territory to me, but it's a venture that I'd say is well worth taking.

I recently had a series of products manufactured (a sticker, a button, and a magnet) to sell at conventions. In time, I'd like to expand out the line to feature more characters from not only the world of Bast Katt, but from other stories/ideas I have.

For right now though, I'm starting out small, and I'm only going to do a limited run to see how folks react.

Admittedly, while I am nervous about how this could all work out, I am at least glad to finally be moving forward with my art/work in a far more tangible way.

It only feels right that I begin this journey with three of my classic characters- Bast Katt, Fida Cantor, and Mary-Gold Tauros. When I first began conceptualizing original characters/stories years ago, they were some of my first efforts to truly congeal and gain a degree of momentum.

While many of the pieces were small, every time I drew Bast, Fida, or Mary-Gold the reaction was almost always the same- positive.

Fida Cantor (button)

Now with time/experience under my belt (and a much better/mature mind for it) I feel like I can finally begin making the world of Bast and co. a firmer reality.

I had a ton of fun running through the different concepts for this product line, and while they're somewhat simple in their final forms, I'm overall happy with the results.

Bast's hair proposed a bit of a challenge initially (seeing as Bast has a ton of crazy anime-hair) but once I decided to put her hair up in a segmented pony-tail, the rest of image fell right into place. The line-work for the piece was done by hand, while the colors were rendered through the art program Krita.

The phrase "Tail Chaser" is actually a small reference to what I originally wanted to call the story that Bast comes from, but sadly it was already taken in another comic. All the same, I figured it would be a fun nod to include the origins of the character in the first product line.

Fida was perhaps the most troublesome of the three designs, not necessarily because she was difficult to depict (in fact, I had the easiest time drawing her) but simply as a matter of me not having a witty slogan to build the button around.

Mary-Gold Tauros (magnet)

When I first decided that I was going to do three different products, I wanted each to have a fun slogan that would (somewhat) inform the overall design. Bast and Mary-Gold came to me almost in an instant, but for the life of me, I couldn't figure out what to put on the button for Fida.

It wasn't until I was at work one night that the slogan would hit me when I was told to "button up" before going into an area. Once I had the slogan, everything else fell into place, and the final piece proper came out smooth as butter from my pencil.

After doing the line-work on paper, I rendered the colors in Krita, and sent the image off to the manufacturer. While there was certainly a fair bit of some hassle in the beginning, I think that Fida's piece may be my favorite out of all of them.

Guess I'm just a sucker for abs.

There isn't much to say for this one (as I think it speaks for itself) outside of I don't think I've ever drawn Mary-Gold this "big" before. Much like the Bast and Fida pieces, the line-work was done by hand, while the colors were rendered in Krita.

All the same, I'm sure she gives great hugs...

Zakaria (a.k.a. Mushroom)- Dungeons & Dragons Character

Warlock Zakaria

It's definitely been a min. since my last post huh?

This is one of my many D&D characters. Her name is Zakaria- A 5th edition lvl. 3 tiefling warlock.

Once the leader of a mighty eldritch cult, Zakaria was a dominating magical force throughout the land few would ever dare to face in combat. That was until the day when the elder being she worshiped became silent, and her temple fell to an opposing faith.

Left with no other recourse but go into exile (or be killed by paladins, clerics, and zealots of the church) Zakaria has remained hidden in a cave, isolated from the rest of the developing world. Surviving off of mushrooms and cave moss, she's continually prayed to her elder-deity, hoping that it would grant her some kind of answer or divination as to what she should do.

As the years passed, Zakaria found her powers fading, along with the knowledge of how to perform her most imposing magics. For a time she even forgot her own name.

It wasn't until a wanderer named Nana (a goliath barbarian played by DuckDraw) took shelter in her cave from an oncoming storm. that Zakaria could begin to remember a mere vestige of her potential. As they both silently stared at the lighting bolts rolling through the skies, Zakaria saw a symbol for a brief moment- a sign from her god, and a familiar spark of energy began to fill her emaciated frame.

The time had finally come for her to rise from the dregs of the cave she had long made a home. Not only was the world safe enough for Zakaria to emerge, but she could travel the lands without fear of threats from the church who had forced her into that dismal hole in the first place. It was happening, she was regaining her strength, and she would not do it alone.

Zakaria voyaged out with Nana, eventually meeting a cadre of other adventurers (Jack- played by Crybringer, Boris- played by Clear Skies, Avew- played by Justin, and Dramin- played by Joseph Silver) to aid in her quest. With a newfound purpose, and a sliver of hope that she can restore her temple, Zakaria vows to bring the name of her god back into the hearts and minds of all she encounters.

Now if only she could remember that god's name...

Materials used for this piece was nothing more than pencil on 11 x 17 in. Bristol board.

To the Moon- Fan Art

♫Fly me to the Moon, and let me play among the stars...♫

Now that the convention-going season has wrapped up for me, I'm going to break step with tradition a little bit here, and post the art-prints  that were for sale at the shows.

This fun little number is called To the Moon, featuring a humanized ver. of everyone's favorite Pony Princess of the Night- Luna.

Ever since the launch of the Roan RPG, my good friend Clear Skies has been kind enough to provide table space for little ol' me, with one minor request- Create a bomber-girl ver. of a My Little Pony character to help promote the game.

For this year's Bronycon I decided that I'd go with Luna, mostly because the slogan of "To the Moon" felt like a very bomber-girl thing to say, and well Moon... Luna...?

Meh, you get it...

The pose was actually based on an image of the pro-wrestler Naomi (of WWE fame) and I did little to alter it, as I wanted to retain as much of her energy in the photo as possible.

The most fun/interesting bit of trivia I have about this image though is that the star-field in her hair is actually a layer mask of The Horse Head Nebula, because Ponies... Horse Head...?

Meh, you get it...

Overall I'm pleased with how the piece came out, and I hope you all dig the results as well!

Feeling the Crunch

It's definitely getting cramped in here!

Now that the convention-going season has wrapped up for me, I'm going to break step with tradition a little bit here, and post the art-prints that were for sale at the shows.

This piece is titled Feeling the Crunch, in part because three of my characters are all mushed together into one (way too tiny for them) frame, but mostly because I finished this image a mere day before I had to leave for Anthrocon 2018.

Leading into the event, I was feeling somewhat void on inspiration, and as the date of the convention drew closer and I closer, I kept telling myself I had to get some kind of new art-print made to sell at the table.

While I probably stressed far more about the matter than I should have (as there was no real obligation on me to have any new prints available) it was something I told myself I'd do for my very first Anthrocon, and dammit, I was going to do it!

Thus, the idea hit me at the last possible minute to have my original adult-comic trio of Bast Katt, Fida Cantor, and Mary-Gold Tauros all crammed into one place that clearly wasn't big enough for any one of them, let alone three. Having them slightly pop-out of frame is a touch meta for sure, but I'd like to think it adds a bit more fun to the overall vibe.

In the end, I'd say I'm rather satisfied with the final result, and I can only hope you all dig it as well.

Donation Button Art

Mary-Gold Tauros: "Why don't you consider Donating to help N8Dogg5k grow?"

Much like the title suggests, this here is the line-art for the donation button I'm currently working on for my Picarto streaming site.

I kinda liked the idea of putting my character Mary-Gold doing a "Consider the Following" type pose, while in a set of overalls, and hopefully you all find it fun too.

There isn't much else to say here except for you all to keep an eye out for when the finished piece emerges.