I Lost My North-Star

 Here we are once again...

With yet another year in the rear-view mirror, I come to you all with some of the worst news I could possibly deliver.

On October 22, 2026 my older brother Justin Barlow tragically (and unexpectedly) passed away. At some point in the early AM of that morning he suffered a stroke/intracranial hemorrhage, where he was unfortunately found after a significant (and unknown amount of time down alone) without any immediate medical aid. Because of this the damage to his brain (due to the lack of oxygen and the blood pouring into his left hemisphere) wasn't just severe, it was (in a word) catastrophic.

After getting him to the emergency room (and after a lengthy discussion with the Neurosurgeon) Justin was declared brain-dead. Even if Justin were to somehow pull through after an extensive (and somewhat risky) surgery, my family and I were assured that he would never live a "normal life" ever again, and would likely be a catatonic/comatose patient for the rest of his days. He wouldn't be able to see, hear, talk, or move most of his body. In many ways he would likely be completely unaware of his own existence.

For all intents and purposes, the Justin we knew was gone, now and forever...

In years prior there were several discussions I had with Justin (in the wake of losing our parents) about what should be done to him if we ever had a scenario like this occur, and Justin had made it VERY clear to my siblings and I that he would NEVER want to exist like that, so with respect to our brother's wishes we unanimously made the only choice we reasonably could: we had to simply let Justin pass on.

It was with an extremely heavy-heart that we bid him farewell, but it had be done.

I stayed with him the whole time (as I knew he would've done for me) holding his hand until the very end. I thanked Justin for all the love he ever game to me as a brother. I told him how glad I was to have lived a life where I got to have him as not only my brother, but as my best friend. I told him that he had the love of everyone we ever knew, and that we were all with him, that we would find a way to still be okay despite his absence.

I watched through tear-filled eyes as Justin took his final breaths, growing colder and colder until I felt his last heartbeat, and in that moment I knew one of the best people I ever had the honor of knowing in my life was gone forever.

Despite my writing of this post, I'm legitimately almost at a loss for words. All of this has felt so surreal to me, like it hasn't truly happened. Like it happened to someone else, and that at any moment my brother is going to call me on my cell phone and tell me everything will be alright...

But it did happen, and Justin is gone...

I hope you all understand when I convey that Justin wasn't simply my older brother, he was my ABSOLUTE BEST FRIEND, and my BROTHER-OF-BROTHERS. This was the dude who helped guide me when I had no sense or idea of "where to go" during some of my most difficult days. Throughout his life I would constantly call him my "North-Star" because that's exactly what he was to me. That guiding light I would turn to whenever I needed to find my bearings. Simultaneously my biggest fan, and my biggest confidant, Justin was always there for me, ready to offer support, regardless of circumstance, whether it was during my greatest tragedies, or my greatest triumphs.

I owe so much of who I am today to my older brother, because it was Justin that informed so many of the interests I have today. If not for him, I don't know if I ever would have gotten into things such as fantasy stories, genre-fiction, heavy metal music, anime, manga, comic books, video games, RPGs, board games, etc. etc.

I am who I am today because of Justin, and I know I would be a completely different person now had it not been for him being present in my life.

And how present was he?

On countless nights at 2:00AM on a Sunday my brother and I would talk on the phone for hours on end, because he was the one person that I knew would be awake at that hour, and he was the one person I knew I could talk to about anything and everything. It didn't matter how tired he might have been, he always made time for me whenever I called.

The late nights to come I know for a fact are going to be exceptionally hard without him. This was the one person I've never had to know a day without (and frankly from the time I was a child to this very moment I couldn't even begin to imagine, let alone fathom, a day without him there) but now I'm forced to endure a life without ever seeing him again.

My brother was an aspiring writer, and I can tell you all that there were so many stories Justin wanted to tell, to share with you, and the world over, but unfortunately he was always a bit too afraid that he wasn't "good enough" to make it as a fantasy/genre-fiction author, that his stories were "too silly," and that no one would ever care about what he brought to the writing table...

But I know for a fact that Justin was most certainly MORE THAN "good enough" to make it as a writer. He was one of those guys who just "Got it" when it came to things, no matter what the topic or challenge, and for as nebulous and non-committal a phrase like that is, at the same time, that's precisely who Justin was... The one guy who simply just... GOT IT.

I mean every syllable of what I've written here: I miss my brother, I miss my friend, and my life is FAR poorer now not having him in it anymore.

And while I may have lost an awesome family member, I also know the world has lost a truly beautiful soul who simply wanted to share stories that could hopefully inspire some lonely kid who only wanted to read something fun and cool.

I've always seen myself as just some geeky dude trying to find his way in this crazy world we all live in, but without my North-Star to guide me, I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to get anywhere in my life now...

I'm always going to love you bro, and I'm always going to miss you bro.

I know you're far from me now, but hopefully one day our paths will cross again, somewhere on a distant shore, beyond the sea, in the endless starlight. We'll share that summer dream we once had as kids, where we held each other's hand, and in that moment when we're finally reunited, we'll laugh til we cry...

God-speed everyone.

From Left to Right: Matt (my best friend and roommate) Myself (N8Dogg5k) and Justin Barlow (my older brother)